Resentment, guilt, anger and other negative emotions act as blocks on the awareness that flows…
However, I also think prior to our birth, we choose our challenges. Just like we choose our food and clothes and everything in our life. We take this birth to learn some lessons and grow as a soul. And the minute we understand our lesson we are freed of that karma.
One of my lessons I feel has been about betrayal. Throughout my twenties, I betrayed myself by trying to fit into the environments I was in. I tried to please everyone around me , at work . The betrayal manifested in my outside environment as well. But I never understood why I was betrayed.
I remember when I was a kid in Chennai, I loved the colloquial tamil songs, one particular song was kasu mela from the movie “Kaadhala Kaadhala” that I really enjoyed. One evening, me and my sister were watching that song and really enjoying ourselves when a relative of mine stepped in. He looked down at me with so much disgust that I liked a song like that. I was ashamed and humiliated. I tried to hide what I truly liked.
I often felt this disconnect, as if I am pretending to be someone else. Often in the presence of my relatives. Until once I was able to be fully myself. I dont really know how that transformation came about, but I think in the presence of someone who let themselves be who they are, we can be ourselves too. And it was truly magical. And from that point on, my life drastically changed. It has definitely not been easier, but from inside I feel much more at ease .
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